Election 2016: Whoever Wins, We Lose

On Tuesday, November 8th, 2016, I encourage you all to get out of bed, lock your front door, draw your shades, order in, and binge-watch reruns of a beloved television show on Netflix. Most importantly, I encourage you to avoid any polling stations and urge you not to exercise your right to vote. Your mother told you that if you lie with dogs, you’ll wake up with fleas and I can assure you that you want no part in this, the scariest election in thirty years.

From the left is a personality-less non-performer and an arbitrary socialist. What comes from the right defies description. Hillary will likely win by default and, granted, she’s not the worst candidate in history though I suspect many Americans will cast in her favor because, Jesus Christ, look at the other guys… The Republican field, still muddled, will eventually produce a pivoting nimrod, heavily funded by big tobacco, the NRA, and pro-choice groups who enjoy campaigning for the lives of children they’ll eventually condemn for being on welfare.

Republican presidential hopeful Carly Fiorina speaks during the Republican presidential debate at the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library in Simi Valley, California on September 16, 2015. Republican presidential frontrunner Donald Trump stepped into a campaign hornet's nest as his rivals collectively turned their sights on the billionaire in the party's second debate of the 2016 presidential race. AFP PHOTO / FREDERIC J. BROWNFREDERIC J BROWN/AFP/Getty Images ORG XMIT: 570130137 ORIG FILE ID: 544334227

Republican presidential hopeful Carly Fiorina. AFP PHOTO / FREDERIC J. BROWNFREDERIC J BROWN/AFP/Getty Images ORG XMIT: 570130137 ORIG FILE ID: 544334227

When the Republicans “debated” on Wednesday night, it was clear who the ideal Republican candidate should be: someone with Marco Rubio’s conviction, Carly Fiorina’s even-keel temperament, and someone with none of their policies. Jeb Bush, sweating like Anthony Weiner the day the Ashley Madison hack was announced, is clearly a candidate of zero conviction. His discomfort was obvious, likely because Republican money-men interest groups had the Godfather talk with him, padding his campaign funds and telling him, “Don’t worry about it, Jeb. But, one day, we’re gonna need a favor and here’s what you’re gonna do…”

Bush naively sold himself the day he announced and the same can be said for most of the candidates that took the stage in Simi Valley (“shiny city on a hill” was evoked in the first ten minutes in the Reagan library) for a name-calling ass-kicking competition that was too bad to be called reality television. The 348 candidates showed that they are of two sorts: those with absolutely zero policy and those with psychopathic leanings.

Bush sort of has policies (whatever the Koch brothers tell him his policy should be). Rubio has policies that no one seems to care about. Fiorina’s policy is to graphically describe the dismemberment of fetuses because she believes that Planned Parenthood harvests unborn children to fuel Hybrid cars and other liberal machinery. Rand Paul thinks marijuana should be legal, not because it’s mostly harmless, but because he believes in a state’s right to secede from the Union. Scott Walker was there, I think. Donald Trump [author’s note: no one who will vote for Trump responded to my request for a chat] assured us that, while he has absolutely nothing, less than nothing, not even a goddamn idea resembling policy, he will hire “top people” to handle matters of state. Mike Huckabee and Ted Cruz, who would like to see immigrants and gays on a sun-bound rocket ship, took the opportunity to remind Americans that this is the 21st Century and we should accept bigots and scary hate mongers of all sorts, regardless of which Christian church they belong to. Gaining ground in the polls and subsequently losing it onstage was Ben Carson, a brilliant neurosurgeon whose understanding of the economy clearly demonstrates why there is a dire need for healthcare administrators who prevent physicians from running their own businesses.

One of these people will eventually secure the nomination and that person will be whoever can capitalize on…actually it’s probably going to be Bush or Fiorina, whomever special interest groups deem a better investment. They know Bush will do what they say but don’t discount Carly. She may have hit below the Mendoza line while at the helm of HP but her willingness to disrupt any global goodwill fostered in the last eight years is appealing to many. It’s also worth noting that Tom Perkins, a former HP board member who handed Carly her walking papers, wrote something resembling a take-back in an open letter to the New York Times, expressing his belief that Carly would be a good president. Someone sees opportunity somewhere with her…

Democratic hopeful Bernie Sanders (Photo credit: huffingtonpost.com)

Democratic hopeful Bernie Sanders (Photo credit: huffingtonpost.com)

Truthfully, Carly Fiorina is the most electable candidate for the Republicans. Her losing track record doesn’t really mean much because, if she can clear the field, Republicans like her chances against a shady Clinton and a socialist who looks like Doc Brown. Carly most likely would not win the presidential election because most of America has moved on from issues like gay marriage because essential human decency isn’t really a topic for debate. But she, like any other Republican candidate, will work hard to create a climate of fear as it relates to diplomacy and that will win her some votes. If you watched the debate and nothing else, you might think we’re in danger of being exterminated tomorrow.

Whichever candidate emerges, it’s a certainty that she or he will face Hillary. Poll numbers notwithstanding, Sanders doesn’t have the funds to compete with a Clinton. No matter how many people share his YouTube videos on Facebook, Sanders cannot defeat the machine. The Clintons are well-connected, very well-funded, and Democratic architects will frame Hillary’s diplomatic experience as successful while tearing Sanders to shreds for being un-American. Many of you may like Sanders’ ideas but I hasten to point out to you that half-baked socialism results in systemic failure. Capitalism is too ingrained in American democracy. Overhauling the entire system is not possible and fixing pieces here and there is pointless. The Affordable Care Act, for example, addresses insurance coverage issues but sort of, kind of, completely ignores the type of factors that contribute to a lack of good patient outcome: lack of income, poor living conditions, non-compliance due to transportation issues, etc. The idea is to work with what we have and President Obama has shown that what we have is very workable, if you find yourself the right politician.

Let me know when you’ve found one.

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Matt Forster

Originally from Miami, FL, Matt graduated with a B.A. in History from Randolph-Macon College in 2004. He is the author of Perfect Dark, a musician, and an all-around strange person. He resides in Asheville, NC with his wife and two dogs. Follow him @Dalton_Forster

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