The Most Epic Party The Galaxy Will Ever See
The process to become a Tuff Gnarl staffer is not an easy task. It is not a matter of simply asking and receiving, applying and being accepted. We undertake a quest that I am not of liberty to discuss to any degree of specificity but it may or may not bear striking similarity to Level 9 of The Legend of Zelda and may or may not involve wresting the Triforce of Power from Gannon. For argument’s sake, let’s just say I knew Jesse Scheckner from middle school. The point is: volumes of ancient decrees – written in blood on Egyptian papyrus and stored in Abel Folgar’s nightstand – exist which govern our actions.
According to the Eleventh Scroll, written in an ancient form of Blood-Elvish that only Chuck Livid himself can discern after ingesting The Potion of Light (Pabst Blue Ribbon), we must combine our elemental strengths and throw a most triumphant party in honor of our 1 Year “Birthday.” (We’ve actually existed for eons but I’m not supposed to tell you that.)
The scroll said it so we have to do it. The tacos were Jesse’s idea. Or maybe they were Folgar’s. Who cares? The point is: for only $8, you can gain admission to Churchill’s Pub TONIGHT at 8:00 p.m. for music, booze, and TACOS brought to you by Los Treces.
While I like to avoid name-calling, you’re a stupid idiot if you are within a reasonable radius (100 miles) and choose not to attend. Let’s say, for the sake of just do it, you took $20 out of your paltry and laughable bank account. After paying your $8 to gain admission, you can choose two tacos – cilantro-lime marinated chicken, beer battered cod, or vegan sloppy joe – for only $6. That means you will have $6 left to spend on beer or two more tacos. Choose wisely.
Overlord Prime and man whom the Miami New Times calls “longtime Miami punk-scene figure,” Chuck Livid, has ensured that those wise enough to attend will not suffer boredom. A killer lineup of bands is set to take the stage that we at Tuff Gnarl have had the privilege of getting to know this week. The Sacred Owls, Jellyfish Brothers, Bluebird, The Riot Act, Sandratz, and DJ Skidmark have been hired to blow your face off.
The event, which has been foretold in countless ancient texts, has already been attended by many time-traveling God Kings, Warrior Queens, and highly advanced alien races of indeterminate gender. Tomorrow I spoke with General Zork, Chief Field Commander of the Kremulan Army from CT Cha b, who attends the event to celebrate his 3,000,000th birthday. Zork, who will vaporize Jesse Scheckner shortly after 10:30 p.m. for eating the last vegan sloppy Joe taco, was unapologetic about the incident but called The Sacred Owls’ set “epic.” No stranger to good times, Zork said the event – which he compared favorably to his 2,000,000th birthday celebration that saw the destruction of four lesser galaxy-kingdoms – will be a roaring success. In particular, he expressed pleasant surprise that Tuff Gnarl was able to book so many killer bands despite being comprised of “mouth-breathing mortal scum.” Though one of his top officers will be ejected from Churchill’s for beheading an attendee during the Jellyfish Brothers’ set, Zork and his men will declare the evening the most legendary this section of the universe – which he intends to see destroyed by the close of the quarter – has ever seen.
Go-Go Dancer, Carla X, will see to it that your attention remains on the…music. Carla intimated to Tuff Gnarl – moments before she devoured Dave Hildenbrand’s soul and killed him – that she may have something special in store for tonight’s show.
It is all as the Scroll intended. I may or may not see you there because, after using the Scepter of Healing to resurrect Dave, I fell into a time vortex and am actually writing this from the future.
#1 – The future looks a lot like the cover of a Hawkwind record.
#2 – I know exactly what Carla X is going to do and it will blow your fucking mind.
#3 – If Abel Folgar comes up to you and asks for a hammer and $4, give it to him for Christ’s sake.
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